My heart almost jumps when I hear that he's near...but then it breaks again when I realize it makes no difference. I can't see him.
It was my choice...and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I didn't want to be in and out of his life...and I didn't know then that there would ever be a time when I would want to see him....thy sounds horrible...but you have to remember how sick I was. I was sending him away for his own good...and then I wanted to shut that door. I wanted it shut so that it wouldnt hurt as much...it didnt work.
Now I hang on to those few photos I stumble upon by chance...I'll look at them and wonder how much he's changed since it was taken....I'll wonder what he sounds like now...what he laughs like...and what he laughs at for that matter. I wonder if he's still cuddly...because he used to be so full of hugs. There were days when his hugs where the only thing that kept me moving.
He turns 5 in a couple weeks....that's the second birthday he's had away from me...He's been gone over two years already....when his next birthday come around, he'll have been a Rodin longer than he was a Hildebrandt...he'll have been with them longer than he was with me... and little by little, the part I played in his life becomes more of a fraction...How long I wonder, until he forgets me completely? Or has he already?
Who knows if I'll ever know that answer... All I know is that in 16 days, I will buy a card...and a cupcake...and celebrate my sons 5th birthday...without him.
Miss you Tristen...
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" (Robert Munsch)
