Christmas show 2013

single again...

Can't sleep...I ended things with Josh tonight...I mentioned him once a few months ago...quite a few months ago actually...when we were just getting started.  We took our time...only dates officially for a few months actually.  He was really sweet...a good man...but not the right one for me.  This whole thing with him has been such a learning experience for me...I've discovered so much of myself in the last year and a half (well...a little longer than that)....but I still have been so unfamiliar with dating.  I didn't know how to do the emotional stuff first and find that connection with someone.   I thought maybe when you do it that way, the 'spark' comes later...so I waited. I was wrong.  You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone...regardless of how sweet they are.   He is a good man...but not a strong enough one...not for me.  I've realized these last few months, that as strong ad I've become, I'm not strong enough to be the leader in a relationship.  I think I'm strong enough to be a partner...in that I could lead if I needed to...but I shouldn't have to all the time...nor do I want to.  I need someone who can hold me up and push me along when I falter under the weight of my own history and weaknesses.  I need someone who can give when I take and take when I give...I need someone who can work with me...not follow me.   Josh was and is a wonderful man, a great listener and was always very sweet....but he was always so worried about saying the wrong thing, that he rarely even said the right thing.  I could talk to him, or at him...but not with him.  I told him this...I think I did it in a gentle way...I hope I did.  He is just not a strong enough man for me...but he might be for someone...and I really truly hope that he finds her.