welcome to the world of the employed!

just got off the phone with the manager at the radisson, and accepted the job. I am actually really looking forward to this! i feel like its a job that I can do, and a job that I can be proud of.  I am a guest services representative at the Radisson Hotel.
and hey! check this out! right after I finished writing that sentence I got a call from the new psychiatrist and have an appointment scheduled in june! so this is awsome! got a job, got a new psychiatrist....which is especially good because the old one made me feel like she didn't give a fart...which was of course because she was already checking out...being on her way to retirement and all.  anyways...looks like this one is fairly close to my place, which is cool....and yeah...feels like a good day :)

not a bad monday...

The past week or so has gone by so quickly...its been so busy...but generally good.  I got offered a job today ...I put off accepting until tomorrow but unless something big happens before tomorrow afternoon, I will be the newest guest services representative at the Radisson....not a bad gig...free uniforms (and not an ugly one lol), benefits after 3 months, employee discount (whoo!) plus a couple other perks...I actually think this is a job that I could be very content with...and thats a pretty big deal for me.  The only downside is the fact that its not exactly a monday-friday thing...there will be shift work...but I can manage that.  actually I think it might be kind of nice to work some evenings simply because it would mean my schedule is more similar to Matts...so hopefully that will work out nicely...I'm actually really looking forward to working again...its been a long time.  I'll be glad for the job hunt to be over....thats never fun...the interviews and the waiting game....I usually handle interviews pretty well, but its still not exactly an enjoyable experience.  

I printed off a few good verses to put on my wall...but I haven't put them up yet...but they're good to have, and good to look at.  I'm trying to do some reading in my bible every day...even if its just googling bible verses on certain subjects and reading them in a few different translations to see which one feels the best...if that even makes sense...sometimes one translation of a verse can hit you harder than another...thats what I find anyways.  

I'm finding that in general I am doing really good...I don't even know what to say...I just truly feel so different than I used to...my fears don't cripple me like they did, I have a new level of confidence...even a new level of concentration and understanding...at least thats what it feels like.  I feel like I should have more to say...about my struggles and whatnot...but in truth there haven't been many...Its like I am a completely different person and have this newfound ability to handle things...I haven't felt like I've needed to fight against anything yet...not really....I dropped the ball on my meds and let them run out...but thats the extent of it, and though I am disappointed in myself for letting that happen, I know that it could be worse...its been worse...and I am actually so happy knowing that not so long ago I probably would have handled this all very differently...I am human, and I will make mistakes...I've always known that, but I've never really been able to move forward from those mistakes until now.  I am so thankful to God for that...I am so thankful that he has helped me to see that I don't need to be perfect, and that not being perfect doesn't make me a failure.  

So its time to settle in for the evening and prepare to become an employed adult....its about time.

yes, i'm still here...

My apologies to readers for the serious lack of posts since friday...I can't believe its been that long actually...the past 5 days have gone by unbelievably fast.  Things have been very good however...My last day with Richard and Vi was Friday....and it was a really really great day.  There was so much talk and prayer...I felt God letting me know that I was going to be okay...that I didn't have to be afraid to leave that place...that He would still be with me.  I know my God to be a loving and truthful God, and so I believe and trust in Him...and I am not afraid.  When I feel my fear begin to creep up, I see it now...and I am able to give it to God and through Him I am reassured.  I am so blessed to have had that time with my wonderful Elijah House ministers...and to have them continue to be a part of my journey.  My heart goes out to them at this time though, as they have abruptly lost an extremely close friend to a heart attack....I would really appreciate it if any readers could try to include them in their prayers as they go through this difficult time, as well as the family of the woman (Lucy) who passed away.
In happier news, I was lucky enough to be able to meet the majority of Matt's family this weekend out by Moosomin.  His mother was visiting from Phoenix due to the fact that his sister has just given birth to the first Grandchild in the family.  As nervous as I was to meet the family, I found that I really enjoyed myself and liked them very much...sure hope they felt the same.
I began my job hunt yesterday.  Handed out my resume to 10 places (thanks to Matt driving me around in the disgusting weather), applied to several jobs online as well, have 1 interview already set up for tomorrow morning at the Radisson (guest services), and am still spending the majority of my down time sifting through job possibilities online (including one rather interesting job for a baker/decorator at a cupcake shop). I am actually really looking forward to working again.  I feel like much more of a responsible adult when I am bringing in a paycheck.  I have set a goal to get my debt under control within the year (not gone...but under control), so that I can get my credit in decent shape for the future.  I am feeling really good about all of this...and I am truly believing that with God's help I can accomplish this...and I am finally able to accept that help.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you' says the Lord 'I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.  I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land'" Jeremiah 29:11-14

no posts yesterday...actually I was out and about for most of the day...first time I've done that since I've been back in town.  Yesterday morning Vi took me to my apartment...we sat on my bed, read psalm 34, and prayed...prayed over the space....and over me.  I was anointed with oil...as well as several areas within the apartment...It was so important that we take the time to ask God to cleanse that place...and make it a safe place.  When we were finished I sat there for a while...and I felt good.  I know in my heart that the Lord has made my home a safe place for me once again.  On Monday I will be back there...and I will spend my first night there. I ask for prayer that first night, though I trust will all my heart that God has banished any evil from that place I do also know that the devil is angry, and does not want me to feel that peace.  I am praying that God give me the strength to continue trusting in the safety He has provided for me.
Today is my last day here...I leave tomorrow morning with Matt to visit his family...there is still work ahead of me...work today....and I know that there is much work in days to come.  This week has been wonderful...I have felt Gods presence and have accepted His love and grace.  I am so thankful to Him for placing Richard and Vi in my life, they have been such a blessing.
The day is already wasting away, so I will bring this to a close for now...hopefully to be continued later in the day.

...

long day....loooooooooong day....great day.....but looooooong day.  would illuminate, but waaaaaay too tired...going to to apartment in the morning to pray....so really awesome....then spending some time with Matt....also really awesome...

wow...

what a day...a video and talk with Richard this morning...Session with Vi this afternoon...and plans for another session with them both tonight.  When they said this would be an intensive week, they weren't kidding around.  Its strange...its not easy work by any means...in fact its very difficult emotionally...and its exhausting...but its so hard to explain how it feels so wonderful at the same time.  Maybe a good way to describe it would be to compare it to a really solid workout....we know going into it that its going to be hard...and that its not going to be fun...that it can even be painful...but yet when we step into that shower to wash away the the filth that our workout helped our body to get rid of...we feel fantastic.  We know that we have accomplished something good, that we have made our body a little bit healthier by our work.... To take this analogy even further...its as if I am in physiotherapy for my soul....I have been injured, so I am in God's Gym, working on the plan that He made, with Vi and Richard as my trainers...and I am working hard to allow God to heal my soul.

a sleepy start to the day

I woke this morning feeling utterly exhausted.  I am sleeping in an extremely comfortable bed, no necessity for alarms...I woke on my own, naturally...feeling as though I could sleep for several more hours...yet no sleep would come.  I face the day knowing that there is more hard work ahead...but that it is why I am here...I chose this and I want this.  I do however welcome the day that the emotional exhaustion not so intense.

and later yet...

Today has proven to be both extraordinarily difficult and incredibly freeing...I'm actually sitting here struggling to find words for what is going on in my heart right now...the first thing that comes to mind is 'full'...hopefully that makes sense to you...I'll try to paint a better picture for you...its like I feel my heart beating...beating hard as if its grown...Its like having those warm fuzzies inside that you get when you watch a sweet moment in a movie or something like that....
I don't know who all is reading this...and in truth it doesn't matter who...because the things that I have to say, the things that I am experiencing, should be shared...Tonight was a huge night...tonight we cut spirit ties...we cast the ties from me and called back the parts of me that were lost to those ties...It sounds so hokey when I put it down like that...but the fact is...I feel lighter...I felt bonds break tonight that I didn't even realize were there...there was a moment afterwards....when I felt so strange... almost as if something was missing....a part of me was gone...but then we prayed for the holy spirit to come and fill me...fill the void left by the ties that were once there...and I feel full....so full...like love and hope are coursing through my veins instead of blood telling me with every beat of my heart that I am being healed....and that I am another step closer to freedom tonight...
I felt tears drip from my eyes onto the paper in front of me instead of down my face...it seemed symbolic of a cleansing that took place...like those sins were washed away with those tears...allowing me to accept God's forgiveness.
It is only Tuesday...and I feel like I am not the same person I was 3 days ago....I feel so full of God's love...and feeling that love just makes me love him all the more...like an infant says looks at their father with love and says 'dada'...I feel that love and say 'Abba'...my heavenly father....it is by His grace and His grace alone that I am here today...I have put Him through many tests and He has never left me, never given up on me...and my desire is to accept this life that He has given me....and to live it in a way that glorifies Him, He deserves nothing less from me...and no longer want to turn away from His plan for me...whatever it may be.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love." John 15: 9,10

and later that day...

so I had my first appointment with a new psychologist today...private....so stupidly expensive....but at the same time really really great.  She's a christian woman, and I knew that going in...so it was something that had really high hopes about.  I found out that one nice thing about going private is that there is better music in the waiting area lol...very pretty smooth sounding jazz to be exact....my kind of tunes.  The next thing that I found out is that they really do have couches! I opted not to sit on it however...I'm a chair girl apparently....the decor in those rooms is so much more comfortable than an office in a public health facility....not my style necessarily...but nice warm colors and comfortable chairs and it makes you feel as though you are sitting down to share with someone you know rather than someone who is getting paid to listen to you.  So the place itself wins major points in my book.  Then there's the psychologist...Sharon....beautiful woman first of all...well dressed and someone who gives the impression from first sight that she is a warm friendly person.  When I got into the office (frankly I would rather just call it a room, since it does not have the cold feel of an office by any means), I immediately felt safe.  It was an initial meeting so I knew that the appointment would focus mostly on my history and why I decided to come to her.  I immediately told her that I was interested in working with her mostly because she was a christian psychologist...and I strongly feel like a christian will just be able to give you a different perspective than a non-believer.  I shared with her the events of this last month...and the time leading up to it.  I told her about giving up Tristen last year...some of the things that brought me to that point and how I crashed even harder once he was gone.  I told her that what I want out of our sessions is the ability to deal with life in healthy ways....not destructive ones...I don't want to let a poor impulsive decision to ruin my life or the lives of the people that I care about.  I told her that my doctor thought that I would greatly benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy...she smiled and said 'thats exactly what we are going to be starting out with'  I figure thats a sign of a good therapist, and a good doctor for that matter...they both had the same thing in mind...when two different professional people (both christians by the way) who don't even know each other, haven't spoken to one another about my case, hear my story and come to the exact same conclusion about which direction my therapy should go in. To go even further with that...Vi picked me up from the appointment, I told her about the cognitive therapy and she said 'and what we're doing is getting to the roots of that....we have to get down to the base through God otherwise we're just sticking a band aide on it'... I don't know about you but to me I think thats just got to be God...He has put the right people in my life, at the right time...on so many levels...and I truly believe that He is telling me that it is time for me to be healed....to really really be healed...and to move forward.  This lambs legs have been broken, and is happily being carried by her shepherd while they heal...and I will happily never leave his side again.

a new day

this is one of those moments when you don't really know what to say...but feel as though you need to say something.  Yesterday was so good and so hard at the same time...its difficult to describe whats going on inside right now.  I'm just so grateful to Richard and Vi for taking me into their home...for working with me through this time...I am just beginning to know them and I see that they are such good people...I've been able to share with them far more easily than I thought I would...maybe its better because I don't know them well...its hard to say.  today is a new day...I see the christian psychologist for counselling today...I am nervous about that too but I know that things are already going well...so its a matter of keeping on that road...which I am determined to do.  Its time to get ready to face the day...so I will leave off here...just read this knowing that I am being filled with God's love so deeply, and even though there is difficulty, I know that I can lean back into God's loving arms and he will hold me and say 'you did good today kid...rest now...tomorrow is a new day'...feel like a bit of a cheeseball saying it like that....but its how I feel...so what can ya do.

here goes another try

Woke up today a little ridiculously early...but wide awake none the less.  I did have a pretty good sleep last night though....so I'm glad for that.  Matt is coming here today...which is really good because I've been missing him like crazy....I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with how late in the day he'll be coming...especially since we're leaving tomorrow already.  I'll make do though.  I just really want a big hug from him...its been on my mind all week.  I'm finding this morning that I'm a little fidgety...having trouble sitting still....but I haven't taken my medication yet so I'll see if that changes anything.  Mood wise I feel like I've generally been okay...any ups and downs have seemed normal so far...physically my recovery is a little frustrating to be honest.  Its like every day there is something new that hurts....like yesterday I realised that my wrists were swelling and hurting in different places than they had before....great right?  and my body has just been generally sore...which is never fun.   but in reality I know that it could be much worse.  My throat, although easily irritated, does not outright hurt at every moment like it did...and frankly still could....so I'm glad for that....mind you if I try to go up in pitch with my voice even slightly I end up hacking like crazy...so thats irritating too of course.  I think that my body is working hard to get any toxins out that are still left in my system....my digestive system seems to be working overtime.
There are alot of things on my mind of course right now too....tomorrow I go to stay with Richard and Vi....complete strangers really...which is so incredibly hard for me.  Not only am I staying with these complete strangers but I am going to be opening up to them in ways that I have probably never opened up to anyone...we are going to have an intensive week of prayer...and as much as I know I need it and that its going to be probably the most beneficial thing i do, I know that it is going to be extremely hard and that is always scary.  This time now is about immersing myself in my faith and allowing God to heal me.  I want that so badly...and I know that alot of this is about getting to the truth behind the lies that Satan has convinced me of.  One lie that comes to mind immediately is that in some part of me I can feel a fear that I won't be able to be healed....or maybe that I don't even deserve to be.... I know that to be a lie...but its still there. I have so much work to do...and I have made the choice to do it and I am willing to do it....but it doesn't change the fact that it is daunting and scary.  I'm so sick of feeling so full of fear...maybe when this is over thats something that I will at least in part be able to say goodbye to.  Well...time to get ready for the day....

number one

Well here goes.  This blog is meant as a record of my thoughts...to keep track of my moods....to post it so that I can be accountable to anyone who reads it...namely family and those who I give access to the blog.  Anyone who I've given the ok to read this blog knows about the events that led to its existence.  It has been just over a week since I went into the hospital.  I've been at home in Swift Current resting for a few days...its been good.  I've been making a plan.  I'm going to be working with a couple that are trained in Elijah House ministry...they are going to help me to work through my issues through scripture and prayer...help me to work through the lies that I have come to believe...help me to work through the 'traumas' of my past.  They have put me in touch with a Christian Psychologist...which a really nice meshing of the two areas I need to focus on for my healing.  I will no longer be going to school...and I know that I have to accept that as something that is ok....and not as a failure on my part.  Some people are just not meant to end up with a higher education.  I will be working on getting structure in my life.  I will find some kind of job, and I will be putting workouts into my daily schedule...its all a process...but I am on the right road...and I intend to give each moment 100%