Happy Birthday Tristen

So...it's July 26, 2014....Tristen's 6th birthday.  I did the usual thing...birthday mention on Facebook...bought a cupcake, a candle and a card...and celebrated my sons 6th birthday without him.  It's a strange thing for me...because I'm in the best place I've ever been in in my life...emotionally, spiritually...probably even financially...and a lot of that is because I gave him up...I still know in my heart that if I had kept him, I never would have truly gotten healthy.  Still...my heart hurts today... My son is probably opening birthday presents, getting Hugs from loved ones I don't even know, eating birthday cake...and not thinking of me for a moment...for all I know, he doesn't even remember me at this point.  I'm sure that's for the best...but it hurts my heart all the same.

I went out with a friend today...she decided she wanted to be my sunshine today...her words...and it felt good...it was good to be with people, and not seclude myself.  Yes its been a bit of a yoyo day emotionally...I've pretty much started crying every time someone 'likes' my facebook status today...but like I told my Mom earlier today...Yes it's a sad day...but my life isn't sad anymore...and I am so grateful for that. 

"Shout praises to the Lord ! He is good to us, and his love never fails. Everyone the Lord has rescued from trouble should praise him" (Psalms 107:1, 2 CEVUK00)

Here I am...

Once again I've managed to neglect this blog for several months...I like to think that means that I haven't had anything depressing to write about...but I also realize that I shouldn't be using this as an outlet for negative thoughts alone...but positive ones as well...and even the ones somewhere in between.  

It's been a decent couple of months...I had the chance to lead another song with the Choir at Elim Church...wonderful song..."Oceans" by Hillsong...the lyrics are wonderful and encouraging...and it touches my heart every time I hear it...so I felt very honored to be able to lead it.  

Its been a little while since I've been on the worship team at church...but I have been able to regularly take part in the worship at 'The Mix' , which is essentially a College and Career group aimed at those of us who aren't fresh out of high school and have a little more life experience....I really love it there...I've even begun learning to lead the worship there...I'm not quite musically adept enough to lead it fully...but I'll get there...It's a really wonderful experience...I love the process of being still with God and allowing Him to show me the direction He wants me to go in with the music.  It makes me feel so close to Him.  

Church obviously isn't the only thing in my life...work has been...interesting lol.  It's been crazy the last few months actually...a lot of staff turnaround during busy times at the hotel...it can get pretty stressful...but I'm proud of myself and so grateful to God that I am able to handle it...all of it...regardless of what seems to come.  I've trained most of the new people,  and my coworkers seem to trust my judgement and come to me often...so as stressful as work can get, I feel very appreciated...and sometimes that's all that a person needs to get through a difficult day.  

I'm also nearing the end of my Journeyman certification...which is an interesting place to be in considering my bad history with schooling...I've already received several smaller certifications...and the completion of these final tasks will see me complete a school type thing for the first time since high school...I feel quite proud of myself truthfully...I like my job, and know that I am good at it...and know that I can make my career here.  That is the very first time I have ever felt that way.  I've always though God put this job in my lap...when I started my terrifying job hunt, it was th first resume I handed in, the first interview I sat for, and the first offer....and if I go back a little further, this industry was the first one that popped into my head when I knew I needed to look for a job.  God put me here because He knew I could do this...He knew this would be the right fit.  I don't always think of that...but when I do I can't help but know with all my heart that He is taking care of me.  

I suppose the one 'new' thing that I have to report is the fact that I auditioned for the Fringe festival last week.  For the first time in 8 years I stood on a stage with people and read scenes, played with different characters, made the stage my own...and it felt like coming home.  I nearly started crying when I told my mom about it on the phone that night...told her how it was like I'd never left...that I still loved acting...even more than I remembered actually.  I was complimented, which is always nice...and hopefully that means that I have a good chance...because I would love so much for this to be a part of my life again...but even if it doesn't happen this year, I know that passion is still there...and after dusting off my audition shoes, there's no going back lol.  Truth of that matter is, I turned down the opportunity to audition for a show last year because of its content...I felt like I couldn't do that onstage and stand up proudly and sing in Sunday morning...I knew it was the right thing to do, but it broke my heart...I cried more tears than I'm willing to admit over that lost opportunity...but that makes me think that God is rewarding me for waiting...because the shows I auditioned for are not vulgar and obscene...yes they are put on by a secular group, but they are not asking me to do anything that requires my conscience to kick my butt about...there were no second thoughts about auditioning...I felt like God was saying 'Its ok Kaila...you can still have this in your life'...

Funny how everything always comes back to Him isn't it...

Christmas show 2013

single again...

Can't sleep...I ended things with Josh tonight...I mentioned him once a few months ago...quite a few months ago actually...when we were just getting started.  We took our time...only dates officially for a few months actually.  He was really sweet...a good man...but not the right one for me.  This whole thing with him has been such a learning experience for me...I've discovered so much of myself in the last year and a half (well...a little longer than that)....but I still have been so unfamiliar with dating.  I didn't know how to do the emotional stuff first and find that connection with someone.   I thought maybe when you do it that way, the 'spark' comes later...so I waited. I was wrong.  You can't force yourself to fall in love with someone...regardless of how sweet they are.   He is a good man...but not a strong enough one...not for me.  I've realized these last few months, that as strong ad I've become, I'm not strong enough to be the leader in a relationship.  I think I'm strong enough to be a partner...in that I could lead if I needed to...but I shouldn't have to all the time...nor do I want to.  I need someone who can hold me up and push me along when I falter under the weight of my own history and weaknesses.  I need someone who can give when I take and take when I give...I need someone who can work with me...not follow me.   Josh was and is a wonderful man, a great listener and was always very sweet....but he was always so worried about saying the wrong thing, that he rarely even said the right thing.  I could talk to him, or at him...but not with him.  I told him this...I think I did it in a gentle way...I hope I did.  He is just not a strong enough man for me...but he might be for someone...and I really truly hope that he finds her.

Goodbye 2013

I know I don't write here often...though it would probably be good for me to keep it up. I suppose I'm one of those people who can only write when they feel themselves moved to do so. In my case lately, it seems to mean that I write when I'm thinking about my son. Christmas just ended...I love Christmas. I have always loved Christmas...I'm totally that girl that gets all pumped up for the holidays listening to Christmas music, wears those silly santa hats, even silly little earrings if I can get away with it. I love being that girl. I love that Christmas brings warmth in spite of the cold outside, it brings music into silence...it moves us...or at least it should. I've been blessed to be a part of the Christmas show at Elim church once again...yet another thing to get a person excited for the holidays. Yet in spite of all the merriment...There is a hole in my heart this holiday season...as there has been the last Three Christmases....A hole that used to be filled with the smiling face of my Tristen. I ease my heart with thoughts that he is with people who love him...and that the sorrow I feel is not felt by him. On Christmas Eve people light candles for their loved ones who are not with them this Christmas and I feel my heart tighten as I think about him not being with me...but it frees up again as I realize that a candle does not have to be lit for him...because his light has not gone out...it simply shines somewhere else. I've felt so much conflict in my heart of hearts this Christmas...joy for the holiday, for time spent with my family, for gifts given and recieved...and heartache for the little boy I wish was with me. As this Christmas ends and I look toward the new year, I remind myself that my decision was the right one. I feel pain for the loss of him, but remember the pain that I would have caused him if he stayed. I am a new person, a healthy person...and become moreso everyday because God showed me what I needed to do, and gave me the strength to do it, even if it didn't feel that way at the time. My son is safe and healthy and loved, and in reality, that is the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for. 2013 is coming to a close, and 2014 is fast approaching...my heartache subsides for now...and my journey continues

Miss him.....

My heart hurts today.  Tristen was in Swift Current a few days ago...I don't know how long he was there or when exactly he left...but he was there.   So close and yet so far away...

My heart almost jumps when I hear that he's near...but then it breaks again when I realize it makes no difference.  I can't see him.

It was my choice...and I have to keep reminding myself of that.  I didn't want to be in and out of his life...and I didn't know then that there would ever be a time when I would want to see him....thy sounds horrible...but you have to remember how sick I was.  I was sending him away for his own good...and then I wanted to shut that door.  I wanted it shut so that it wouldnt hurt as much...it didnt work.  

Now I hang on to those few photos I stumble upon by chance...I'll look at them and wonder how much he's changed since it was taken....I'll wonder what he sounds like now...what he laughs like...and what he laughs at for that matter.  I wonder if he's still cuddly...because he used to be so full of hugs.  There were days when his hugs where the only thing that kept me moving.    

He turns 5 in a couple weeks....that's the second birthday he's had away from me...He's been gone over two years already....when his next birthday come around, he'll have been a Rodin longer than he was a Hildebrandt...he'll have been with them longer than he was with me... and little by little, the part I played in his life becomes more of a fraction...How long I wonder, until he forgets me completely? Or has he already?  

Who knows if I'll ever know that answer... All I know is that in 16 days, I will buy a card...and a cupcake...and celebrate my sons 5th birthday...without him.

Miss you Tristen...

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" (Robert Munsch)

Graduation Day...

So Karli Graduated from high school today...weird day for me in all honesty.  I can't believe that 11 years ago today that was me...and Karli was 6.  I see her now and I can't help but be proud of her...but in truth Im jealous too...she is such a stronger person than I was then...or ever have been really.  Because of her strength and drive she's been able to experience things that I was never able to...and she's got big plans...and still has this long life ahead of her where she really has a chance to fulfill them.  Because of my lack of strength, I have missed out on so many things...ive never travelled...I've given up on nearly everything I've set out to do... I'm envious of the life that she has in front of her.  Granted, that part of my life is over and I am making a life for myself now...I am building what I should have began a long time ago...better late than never though. I'm happy with my life now and I'm happy with where it's going.  It's just that I'll never get those 11 years back...I wasted so much time...and I guess it's just more evident to me when I sat in my old high school today and watched my baby sister get her diploma.  But the final thought for the day is simply that my sister graduated..she looked beautiful and happy and I am so happy for her...and I pray that she take hold of this life now and follow her dreams.