Afternoon session

Truthfully there aren't really words for what I am feeling today. I feel so close to God and I feel like he I helping me to pray. Like He is giving me the words because he knows that I struggle with praying out loud. I know that He knows all and that I could pray in silence but there is something to be said about saying things out loud...like its a more powerful proclamation to God...I think proclamation is the word I am looking for. I think mom is being really affected by this weekend as well...I'm really praying that God sends her on the road to healing...I just feel like she has been through enough... It's time to move forward with Gods help because there is no other way.

Friday morning

About to start the morning session...last night was really good...we shall see if today follows suit.

Day one women's retreat

So I'm at the women retreat at living waters camp...it's the camp that Elim uses as their summer camp. Mom came with me, I think it's going to be good for both of us. It's beautiful here...lots of trees...smells great...something about being in this type of environment is very soothing. I just generally have a really good feeling about it. Maybe it's being away from everything...no hustle and bustle of the city...no life stress to worry about for the time being....it's just nice. Our cabins suprised us...teeny little thing with a double bed, a bunk bed and it's own bathroom! Not something a person expects to get when going to a small camp like this. These are obviously great for family camp. I haven't been down to the lake yet but I am definitely going to take a picture when I do. There is a beautiful yellow lab out here that I seem to have made friends with...really makes me wish I had a place where I could have a pet. I would so love to have a dog of my own. A companion that takes some responsibility too...kind of like baby steps I guess...the more I do the more...but I just seem to have more of a drive in me...like something In Me is finally clicking In to the appropriate level of adulthood...I don't know...time will tell I guess

Just another day

So I got home from work a little while ago...not really tired so I thought I would come on here and write a bit. I saw Vi for coffee this morning... It was really good to talk to her. We talked about how things are going in my life and basically what is next. It's funny, she made me choose where we went even though I said I didn't care...she feels (and she's right) that I don't take control enough...that I am too passive and that I new to learn when to say 'no I don't like that place' and things like that. I thought it was interesting that she observe that since its not really something I have ever thought of as much of an issue. I jut thought I was really indecisive...which is true but when you are indecisive about little things it can lead to being passive about bigger things..at least that's the way that I am looking at it. We talked again about the retreat and that it's going to be a really good few days...we also talked about an Elijah house course that is coming up that she really thinks I need to go to. She basically said that she feels like I am supposed to use my story to help people and that I need to be fully equipped...I am going to make sure that I can go...I think she is right. I know that I would like to share my story if it means that it can help people...and I do want to make sure that I am able to do it the right way. I know that when the time comes for me to do that, God will provide me with the right words to say. He saved me for a reason, and I have made a promise to Him to fulfill what ever purpose He has for me.

Oops

So apparently I just come rely ignore this blog for the last month...not really sure why...just realized it now. I'm having a little trouble getting to sleep tonight so I thought I would come on here. I don't really know where to start talking...random thing, I got a new phone... So I am actually doing this post from it right now so that is pretty cool...it's really handy so maybe I won't keep forgetting to come on here and post... Time will tell I guess. Found out about a ladies retreat today through Elim... Managed to get the days off so that is fantastic.. I'm really looking forward to it. Sounds like mom is going to come too so that's awesome...I think it's something tht we both could benefit from. I went to church today with a new friend... Well at least I hope she is a new friend...but she came to church with me today so that was good... It would be nice to have someone to go with once in awhile. But I am proud to say that I was determined to go today whether I had someone to go with or not..which of course is not an easy thing for me...but I will do it for as long as I have to. Also I am thinking of joining the choir when it starts up in the fall... I feel it would be a good way for me to meet people...especially since singing is something I enjoy doing.
I think that is where I will end for today...I feel pretty tired so I am hoping I will be able to fall asleep now.

craaaazzyyyy!!!!

So got in to work today to a mad house!!! Not in a bad way....but holy crap has it been busy.  At least the majority of the guests have been nice.  I got my nametag today! I am no longer labled Trainee...it feels so much more official now...I like it.
I also picked up my free rider tickets today.  I get to go to a game July 28th...pretty pumped not gonna lie....can't wait.
There was a mix up with councilling today...My reminder call told me the wrong time so I have to go back tomorrow morning...but its all good...I'll go there and head to the gym afterwards...and apparently Matt and I are going for coffee tomorrow so That is on the agenda also....I guess he reconsidered the being friends thing...If thats the case I'm really glad.  He's a good guy and it would be really sad to not have him in my life anymore.
don't really know what else to say...I'm just trying to occupy myself while I'm on my break....I'm sure I"ll have more to say tomorrow after councilling and coffee with Matt....

chillin in swifty

so I came down to swift current for a couple of days because there was a car for me to buy here...just had to get rid of mine first...so thats all happening tomorrow, lose one car, gain another.  Its not alot newer than mine...only two years...but its a 99 so that means I'm nearly into the 2000's...at least I was already in high school when this one came out lol.  Its kind of nice timing to get a new car...sometimes its just nice to have some kind of fresh start...

Today would have been 4 months for Matt and I...so thats been on my mind a bit...its not depressing...but it is sad when you think that if things had gone differently the other night that we may have had a nice day together today.  I just find myself thinking of him and hoping that he's ok.  When you care about someone you don't just forget about them...they come into your mind now and again and you find yourself wondering how they are doing.  I hope that he is alright and that he is trying to work on himself as I have been trying to work on myself.  I will be continuing to pray for him...

I'm sitting on the bed in Karli's room while I type this...and I can't help but think about what a cool chick she's turned into...and then of course I'm kind of sad about the fact that I don't know her very well.  I'm so bad at keeping in contact with people so I don't talk to her very often...and when I do she's very much about the 1 word answers...I've forgotten how to talk to a teenager I guess...and in truth I find her kind of intimidating...I don't know....i just miss my sister I guess...and don't know how to get back into her life.  Something that I will be praying about...

otherwise I don't really know what else to talk about....I'm really tired right now so I'm thinkin bed is a pretty darn good idea right now.  

just another day

So, I am trying to sell my car since there is an ever so slightly newer one that I can buy...but silly people are making me offers and then never getting back to me again.  it is very frustrating.  But on the plus side I went to the gym this morning, and that felt really great...I actually feel really good today in spite of the car frustration.  Not even really sure why I'm blogging today...I guess I'm just trying to get in the habit of writing on regular days too...well I think its time for me to slowly start getting ready for work in case I get a call about the car....keeping my fingers crossed.

one story ends...

Its late and I'm really tired...but thought it would be a good time to write here...Matt and I ended things tonight.  A few days ago we had a serious talk and decided to go on a break so that we could both do some thinking and praying...and we got together to talk tonight.  Going into the talk I was still torn to be honest...I think I would have been okay with whatever his conclusion had been.  It ended up being that he thought we should stop seeing each other...he said that he felt God was telling him that his role in my life was done...I don't completely agree with that...but I do think that this was for the best at this time.  I am sad, because Matt struggles with the idea of us still being friends...and I do care about him very much and would be incredibly disappointed if he were not in my life at all anymore.  I so strongly hope that we can still be friends...I know that he will absolutely remain in my heart and that I will continue to pray for him.
I think the one positive thing in this situation is simply my emotions....though there is sadness, I do feel very much at peace with this.  I know that Matt was there for me at a time when I really truly needed him...and I am so thankful to God for putting him in my life...but I know that God has given me the strength to stand on my own two feet...and that I can survive this.  If God did not see fit to keep Matt and I together, I know that someday He will send his match for me...and I pray that Matt finds his match someday as well.
The thing that keeps going through my head is that I'm okay...it still surprises me sometimes how differently things seem to affect me now.
Again a certain familiar tune is coming to mind....
Praise Him from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts. Praise Father Son and Holy Ghost.  Amen.

another work break

I'm struggling with second guessing myself lately....overthinking things...on some level its good because it means that I'm nto just reacting on impulse...but at the same time I'm sitting here overthinking things and trying to avoid conflict and so I'm letting it all get too big in my head.  Its frusterating.  All I really want to do is to be content in this life....and there are many things that I am content with...but there are of course many things that I am not content with as well...but if I don't deal with these things I am just going to get more and more unhappy with them rather than having them worked through and fixed.  I feel in my heart that there is no problem that can't be solved in one way or another...but you have to make the effort to solve it.  I've been lacking the courage to do that.    Its like I've hit a bit of a standstill...like I'm afraid on some level to take another step because now is a crucial time...before I was so low that my steps could really only take me forward...but now i've come up enough that there is that real possibility of taking a wrong step...I feel the desparate need to make more steps...but I'm frozen in place... I know that it is God putting that need in me...that its Him giving me that gentle nudge...but frankly I'd almost He rather just shove me in the right direction. It would certainly be easier....but if there's one thing I have learnt its that the right choice is rarely an easy one.  I guess all there really is for me to do right now is to pray for the courage to follow His guidence...

break time

On my break at work...for some reason my knee is just killing me today....so its making the shift awfully hard.  Otherwise things are going really well here...I feel like I'm really getting the hang of things...and I like the job...and I can't get over what a good feeling that is.  Although I will admit that even though I like it I am certainly looking forward to having the next two days off.  I can get some things done at home, get to some appointments....maybe even soak up some sun if I'm lucky....I would really love to get a bit of a tan going.  I'm supposed to get together with schicks sometime tomorrow but I don't know when yet...they were going to let me know...so I guess I'll just call them in the morning...I also see Sharon again tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that....also talked to Pastor John today finally...it was really good...such a nice man. I don't say it enough but I'm so aware these days of how much God has blessed me.  With work, family, friends....everything...He has truly been there and I know that I have him to thank for all of it.  Its funny....the last two days I get the urge to sing the same song every time I get in my car to go somewhere....Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...there's just something about that name....mastor, saviour Jesus...Let the Heavens and earth proclaim....Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away...but there's just something about that name.....

new girl, new world...

I'm writing today with a bit of a heavy heart.  As well as I am doing lately, I find that it is causing me a fair amount of confusion.  I have become such a different person that I am finding myself unsure of things that a short time ago I was very sure of.  I am so happy with who I have become, and know that God has brought me to this place...and I am so grateful to Him for that...I just have a feeling that with this happiness is going to come a certain amount of heartache.  I suppose when you become a different person you develop different needs....or it could simply be that I am aware now of needs that I always had....I don't know which.  There is also the factor that in the past there were always so many problems with my perspective on things that I find myself sometimes questioning how clear my perspective is now, even though I know that it is clearer than it ever has been.  I'm just really asking God to help shed light on things for me. So much of my life is finally on track, including the fact that I enjoy my job and feel like its something I get better at everyday...I am just praying that God continue to help me choose the right paths.

day off...

not having a great day...started out good enough...was having a super lazy day....not productive by any means...but felt so needed.  I like my job, but that first week really wore me out.  I know that I will get used to it...so I'm not worried...but I've been really tired.  In reality I know that I've been avoiding doing anything extra, thinking that I don't want to overwhelm myself...which is true on some level...but its not just fear of being overwhelmed...there's other fears there as well...I'm finding that I'm still struggling with my social anxiety...I seem to be doing fine at work...but I think thats because its different when I'm in work mode...its not so personal...Its harder when I look at a situation where I am on my own...especially one that I have been in before.  Like going to the mix for example...for some reason I find myself so intimidated by that group...There is a part of me that wants to go, because I recognize the necessity to have more relationships in my life...because lets face it, I don't have many....I'm very thankful that the relationships I do have are close ones...but it has been pointed out to me that I need more people in my life...and I know thats true...but it puts so much pressure on me to find new relationships...and I don't exactly thrive under those particular circumstances.  

I think when it comes down to it I've been right in taking my time....and that if I take one step at a time I will be able to handle all of this eventually....

oops!

wow...I really need to make a point of coming on here more...I want to be writing...but its like the thought just doesn't come into my head when I am anywhere near the computer, or don't have time...so I'm glad I happened to think of it just now.  

I had my first real day of work today.  Yesterday was my orientation, just alot of paperwork and some videos to watch...today I was in uniform at the front desk.  of course I felt pretty useless lol....all you can really do the first day is to stand there and smile at people.  Saw some nice guests...saw some difficult guests....overall I'd actually say it went really good.  I wasn't frightened away by the guests or the staff...I wasn't intimidated by the job.  Everything seems pretty straightforward, I think it will just be a matter of getting to know the system and being comfortable with it.  It seems like a job that I can do...and do well in all honesty.  

The only downer is something really superficial and stupid....the uniform is too hot!!!!! I had my hair and makeup done just the way I like it when I left the apartment this morning...by the time I got back it looked like I  had barely made an effort! So somehow I have to figure out a way to stop my hair from doing its weird flippy thing that it does in the humidity, as well as find a way to not sweat all my makeup off! Now I know I haven't always been a person to be terribly concerned about my appearance....but seriously....this was ridiculous...I've been making a conscious effort to look my best every day...and the first time it actually matters (appearance it kind of a big deal in the hotel industry) this happens! ugh. okay....that was enough of a little rant about that. it was just frustrating.  oh....and I guess thats not the only downer....did I mention how much my feet hurt? lol.  I'll get used to it at some point...well at least after I buy better shoes...whenever that may be.

Anyways, I am at home in my comfy clothes...with my feet up....finishing off the veggie tray mom sent up with me...it is definitely time to relax.  I've got an appointment with Sharon (the psychologist) tomorrow afternoon...looking forward to it...I like talking to her.  I saw Richard and Vi the on Saturday (and actually ran into them at church on sunday too) but it was really good to talk to them.  They seemed really happy that I was doing so well.  They thought that the job I found sounded perfect for me.  We prayed that things would continue to go well for me....and for the people I care about...even though things in general are going very well for me...I am finding myself very aware of any little blips in my relationships...and automatically find myself wondering if its because of me and the events of last month...I tend to assume...and I have to force myself to talk about it instead of just assuming...because assuming just tends to make me feel so much guilt...when for all I know it doesn't even have anything to do with what I am thinking....It feels like over and over again I am talking to God and trying to give these feelings up to Him...because I know that I am forgiven...I know that I am not the same person that I was a month ago.  I feel it in everything I do these days, in every conversation I have. Thats why I say that in general things are going very well for me...they are! they really really are...but of course no life is perfect, and so there are issues...I think the biggest difference for me in all of this is that I seem to be able to handle those issues....because I certainly couldn't before.

on the road again.....

ok...tired....but wanted to get in a quick post before going to bed.  Here's the break down....went to swift current via crappy bus ride on wednesday evening, had dr's appointment on thursday (which was great as it resulted in the start of weaning off of another medication!), then went to sgi and paid the fine that has prevented me from renewing my licence for a year, and renewed my plates, so I am a driving girl again which is kind of freeing....I love knowing that I don't have to rely on the bus :)  I drove back to saskatoon today, went for a walk with larissa...and chilled out for the remainder of the evening.  Tomorrow I am meeting with Richard and Vi for the first time since I left their home....I'm really looking forward to it actually...It will be really great to have another session.  and now it is soooo time for bed...I intend to have a wonderful day tomorrow, soaking up as much sun as I can manage.....gonna be a great day for it!

welcome to the world of the employed!

just got off the phone with the manager at the radisson, and accepted the job. I am actually really looking forward to this! i feel like its a job that I can do, and a job that I can be proud of.  I am a guest services representative at the Radisson Hotel.
and hey! check this out! right after I finished writing that sentence I got a call from the new psychiatrist and have an appointment scheduled in june! so this is awsome! got a job, got a new psychiatrist....which is especially good because the old one made me feel like she didn't give a fart...which was of course because she was already checking out...being on her way to retirement and all.  anyways...looks like this one is fairly close to my place, which is cool....and yeah...feels like a good day :)

not a bad monday...

The past week or so has gone by so quickly...its been so busy...but generally good.  I got offered a job today ...I put off accepting until tomorrow but unless something big happens before tomorrow afternoon, I will be the newest guest services representative at the Radisson....not a bad gig...free uniforms (and not an ugly one lol), benefits after 3 months, employee discount (whoo!) plus a couple other perks...I actually think this is a job that I could be very content with...and thats a pretty big deal for me.  The only downside is the fact that its not exactly a monday-friday thing...there will be shift work...but I can manage that.  actually I think it might be kind of nice to work some evenings simply because it would mean my schedule is more similar to Matts...so hopefully that will work out nicely...I'm actually really looking forward to working again...its been a long time.  I'll be glad for the job hunt to be over....thats never fun...the interviews and the waiting game....I usually handle interviews pretty well, but its still not exactly an enjoyable experience.  

I printed off a few good verses to put on my wall...but I haven't put them up yet...but they're good to have, and good to look at.  I'm trying to do some reading in my bible every day...even if its just googling bible verses on certain subjects and reading them in a few different translations to see which one feels the best...if that even makes sense...sometimes one translation of a verse can hit you harder than another...thats what I find anyways.  

I'm finding that in general I am doing really good...I don't even know what to say...I just truly feel so different than I used to...my fears don't cripple me like they did, I have a new level of confidence...even a new level of concentration and understanding...at least thats what it feels like.  I feel like I should have more to say...about my struggles and whatnot...but in truth there haven't been many...Its like I am a completely different person and have this newfound ability to handle things...I haven't felt like I've needed to fight against anything yet...not really....I dropped the ball on my meds and let them run out...but thats the extent of it, and though I am disappointed in myself for letting that happen, I know that it could be worse...its been worse...and I am actually so happy knowing that not so long ago I probably would have handled this all very differently...I am human, and I will make mistakes...I've always known that, but I've never really been able to move forward from those mistakes until now.  I am so thankful to God for that...I am so thankful that he has helped me to see that I don't need to be perfect, and that not being perfect doesn't make me a failure.  

So its time to settle in for the evening and prepare to become an employed adult....its about time.

yes, i'm still here...

My apologies to readers for the serious lack of posts since friday...I can't believe its been that long actually...the past 5 days have gone by unbelievably fast.  Things have been very good however...My last day with Richard and Vi was Friday....and it was a really really great day.  There was so much talk and prayer...I felt God letting me know that I was going to be okay...that I didn't have to be afraid to leave that place...that He would still be with me.  I know my God to be a loving and truthful God, and so I believe and trust in Him...and I am not afraid.  When I feel my fear begin to creep up, I see it now...and I am able to give it to God and through Him I am reassured.  I am so blessed to have had that time with my wonderful Elijah House ministers...and to have them continue to be a part of my journey.  My heart goes out to them at this time though, as they have abruptly lost an extremely close friend to a heart attack....I would really appreciate it if any readers could try to include them in their prayers as they go through this difficult time, as well as the family of the woman (Lucy) who passed away.
In happier news, I was lucky enough to be able to meet the majority of Matt's family this weekend out by Moosomin.  His mother was visiting from Phoenix due to the fact that his sister has just given birth to the first Grandchild in the family.  As nervous as I was to meet the family, I found that I really enjoyed myself and liked them very much...sure hope they felt the same.
I began my job hunt yesterday.  Handed out my resume to 10 places (thanks to Matt driving me around in the disgusting weather), applied to several jobs online as well, have 1 interview already set up for tomorrow morning at the Radisson (guest services), and am still spending the majority of my down time sifting through job possibilities online (including one rather interesting job for a baker/decorator at a cupcake shop). I am actually really looking forward to working again.  I feel like much more of a responsible adult when I am bringing in a paycheck.  I have set a goal to get my debt under control within the year (not gone...but under control), so that I can get my credit in decent shape for the future.  I am feeling really good about all of this...and I am truly believing that with God's help I can accomplish this...and I am finally able to accept that help.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.  In those days when you pray, I will listen.  If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you' says the Lord 'I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes.  I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land'" Jeremiah 29:11-14

no posts yesterday...actually I was out and about for most of the day...first time I've done that since I've been back in town.  Yesterday morning Vi took me to my apartment...we sat on my bed, read psalm 34, and prayed...prayed over the space....and over me.  I was anointed with oil...as well as several areas within the apartment...It was so important that we take the time to ask God to cleanse that place...and make it a safe place.  When we were finished I sat there for a while...and I felt good.  I know in my heart that the Lord has made my home a safe place for me once again.  On Monday I will be back there...and I will spend my first night there. I ask for prayer that first night, though I trust will all my heart that God has banished any evil from that place I do also know that the devil is angry, and does not want me to feel that peace.  I am praying that God give me the strength to continue trusting in the safety He has provided for me.
Today is my last day here...I leave tomorrow morning with Matt to visit his family...there is still work ahead of me...work today....and I know that there is much work in days to come.  This week has been wonderful...I have felt Gods presence and have accepted His love and grace.  I am so thankful to Him for placing Richard and Vi in my life, they have been such a blessing.
The day is already wasting away, so I will bring this to a close for now...hopefully to be continued later in the day.

...

long day....loooooooooong day....great day.....but looooooong day.  would illuminate, but waaaaaay too tired...going to to apartment in the morning to pray....so really awesome....then spending some time with Matt....also really awesome...

wow...

what a day...a video and talk with Richard this morning...Session with Vi this afternoon...and plans for another session with them both tonight.  When they said this would be an intensive week, they weren't kidding around.  Its strange...its not easy work by any means...in fact its very difficult emotionally...and its exhausting...but its so hard to explain how it feels so wonderful at the same time.  Maybe a good way to describe it would be to compare it to a really solid workout....we know going into it that its going to be hard...and that its not going to be fun...that it can even be painful...but yet when we step into that shower to wash away the the filth that our workout helped our body to get rid of...we feel fantastic.  We know that we have accomplished something good, that we have made our body a little bit healthier by our work.... To take this analogy even further...its as if I am in physiotherapy for my soul....I have been injured, so I am in God's Gym, working on the plan that He made, with Vi and Richard as my trainers...and I am working hard to allow God to heal my soul.

a sleepy start to the day

I woke this morning feeling utterly exhausted.  I am sleeping in an extremely comfortable bed, no necessity for alarms...I woke on my own, naturally...feeling as though I could sleep for several more hours...yet no sleep would come.  I face the day knowing that there is more hard work ahead...but that it is why I am here...I chose this and I want this.  I do however welcome the day that the emotional exhaustion not so intense.

and later yet...

Today has proven to be both extraordinarily difficult and incredibly freeing...I'm actually sitting here struggling to find words for what is going on in my heart right now...the first thing that comes to mind is 'full'...hopefully that makes sense to you...I'll try to paint a better picture for you...its like I feel my heart beating...beating hard as if its grown...Its like having those warm fuzzies inside that you get when you watch a sweet moment in a movie or something like that....
I don't know who all is reading this...and in truth it doesn't matter who...because the things that I have to say, the things that I am experiencing, should be shared...Tonight was a huge night...tonight we cut spirit ties...we cast the ties from me and called back the parts of me that were lost to those ties...It sounds so hokey when I put it down like that...but the fact is...I feel lighter...I felt bonds break tonight that I didn't even realize were there...there was a moment afterwards....when I felt so strange... almost as if something was missing....a part of me was gone...but then we prayed for the holy spirit to come and fill me...fill the void left by the ties that were once there...and I feel full....so full...like love and hope are coursing through my veins instead of blood telling me with every beat of my heart that I am being healed....and that I am another step closer to freedom tonight...
I felt tears drip from my eyes onto the paper in front of me instead of down my face...it seemed symbolic of a cleansing that took place...like those sins were washed away with those tears...allowing me to accept God's forgiveness.
It is only Tuesday...and I feel like I am not the same person I was 3 days ago....I feel so full of God's love...and feeling that love just makes me love him all the more...like an infant says looks at their father with love and says 'dada'...I feel that love and say 'Abba'...my heavenly father....it is by His grace and His grace alone that I am here today...I have put Him through many tests and He has never left me, never given up on me...and my desire is to accept this life that He has given me....and to live it in a way that glorifies Him, He deserves nothing less from me...and no longer want to turn away from His plan for me...whatever it may be.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love." John 15: 9,10

and later that day...

so I had my first appointment with a new psychologist today...private....so stupidly expensive....but at the same time really really great.  She's a christian woman, and I knew that going in...so it was something that had really high hopes about.  I found out that one nice thing about going private is that there is better music in the waiting area lol...very pretty smooth sounding jazz to be exact....my kind of tunes.  The next thing that I found out is that they really do have couches! I opted not to sit on it however...I'm a chair girl apparently....the decor in those rooms is so much more comfortable than an office in a public health facility....not my style necessarily...but nice warm colors and comfortable chairs and it makes you feel as though you are sitting down to share with someone you know rather than someone who is getting paid to listen to you.  So the place itself wins major points in my book.  Then there's the psychologist...Sharon....beautiful woman first of all...well dressed and someone who gives the impression from first sight that she is a warm friendly person.  When I got into the office (frankly I would rather just call it a room, since it does not have the cold feel of an office by any means), I immediately felt safe.  It was an initial meeting so I knew that the appointment would focus mostly on my history and why I decided to come to her.  I immediately told her that I was interested in working with her mostly because she was a christian psychologist...and I strongly feel like a christian will just be able to give you a different perspective than a non-believer.  I shared with her the events of this last month...and the time leading up to it.  I told her about giving up Tristen last year...some of the things that brought me to that point and how I crashed even harder once he was gone.  I told her that what I want out of our sessions is the ability to deal with life in healthy ways....not destructive ones...I don't want to let a poor impulsive decision to ruin my life or the lives of the people that I care about.  I told her that my doctor thought that I would greatly benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy...she smiled and said 'thats exactly what we are going to be starting out with'  I figure thats a sign of a good therapist, and a good doctor for that matter...they both had the same thing in mind...when two different professional people (both christians by the way) who don't even know each other, haven't spoken to one another about my case, hear my story and come to the exact same conclusion about which direction my therapy should go in. To go even further with that...Vi picked me up from the appointment, I told her about the cognitive therapy and she said 'and what we're doing is getting to the roots of that....we have to get down to the base through God otherwise we're just sticking a band aide on it'... I don't know about you but to me I think thats just got to be God...He has put the right people in my life, at the right time...on so many levels...and I truly believe that He is telling me that it is time for me to be healed....to really really be healed...and to move forward.  This lambs legs have been broken, and is happily being carried by her shepherd while they heal...and I will happily never leave his side again.

a new day

this is one of those moments when you don't really know what to say...but feel as though you need to say something.  Yesterday was so good and so hard at the same time...its difficult to describe whats going on inside right now.  I'm just so grateful to Richard and Vi for taking me into their home...for working with me through this time...I am just beginning to know them and I see that they are such good people...I've been able to share with them far more easily than I thought I would...maybe its better because I don't know them well...its hard to say.  today is a new day...I see the christian psychologist for counselling today...I am nervous about that too but I know that things are already going well...so its a matter of keeping on that road...which I am determined to do.  Its time to get ready to face the day...so I will leave off here...just read this knowing that I am being filled with God's love so deeply, and even though there is difficulty, I know that I can lean back into God's loving arms and he will hold me and say 'you did good today kid...rest now...tomorrow is a new day'...feel like a bit of a cheeseball saying it like that....but its how I feel...so what can ya do.

here goes another try

Woke up today a little ridiculously early...but wide awake none the less.  I did have a pretty good sleep last night though....so I'm glad for that.  Matt is coming here today...which is really good because I've been missing him like crazy....I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed with how late in the day he'll be coming...especially since we're leaving tomorrow already.  I'll make do though.  I just really want a big hug from him...its been on my mind all week.  I'm finding this morning that I'm a little fidgety...having trouble sitting still....but I haven't taken my medication yet so I'll see if that changes anything.  Mood wise I feel like I've generally been okay...any ups and downs have seemed normal so far...physically my recovery is a little frustrating to be honest.  Its like every day there is something new that hurts....like yesterday I realised that my wrists were swelling and hurting in different places than they had before....great right?  and my body has just been generally sore...which is never fun.   but in reality I know that it could be much worse.  My throat, although easily irritated, does not outright hurt at every moment like it did...and frankly still could....so I'm glad for that....mind you if I try to go up in pitch with my voice even slightly I end up hacking like crazy...so thats irritating too of course.  I think that my body is working hard to get any toxins out that are still left in my system....my digestive system seems to be working overtime.
There are alot of things on my mind of course right now too....tomorrow I go to stay with Richard and Vi....complete strangers really...which is so incredibly hard for me.  Not only am I staying with these complete strangers but I am going to be opening up to them in ways that I have probably never opened up to anyone...we are going to have an intensive week of prayer...and as much as I know I need it and that its going to be probably the most beneficial thing i do, I know that it is going to be extremely hard and that is always scary.  This time now is about immersing myself in my faith and allowing God to heal me.  I want that so badly...and I know that alot of this is about getting to the truth behind the lies that Satan has convinced me of.  One lie that comes to mind immediately is that in some part of me I can feel a fear that I won't be able to be healed....or maybe that I don't even deserve to be.... I know that to be a lie...but its still there. I have so much work to do...and I have made the choice to do it and I am willing to do it....but it doesn't change the fact that it is daunting and scary.  I'm so sick of feeling so full of fear...maybe when this is over thats something that I will at least in part be able to say goodbye to.  Well...time to get ready for the day....

number one

Well here goes.  This blog is meant as a record of my thoughts...to keep track of my moods....to post it so that I can be accountable to anyone who reads it...namely family and those who I give access to the blog.  Anyone who I've given the ok to read this blog knows about the events that led to its existence.  It has been just over a week since I went into the hospital.  I've been at home in Swift Current resting for a few days...its been good.  I've been making a plan.  I'm going to be working with a couple that are trained in Elijah House ministry...they are going to help me to work through my issues through scripture and prayer...help me to work through the lies that I have come to believe...help me to work through the 'traumas' of my past.  They have put me in touch with a Christian Psychologist...which a really nice meshing of the two areas I need to focus on for my healing.  I will no longer be going to school...and I know that I have to accept that as something that is ok....and not as a failure on my part.  Some people are just not meant to end up with a higher education.  I will be working on getting structure in my life.  I will find some kind of job, and I will be putting workouts into my daily schedule...its all a process...but I am on the right road...and I intend to give each moment 100%