another work break

I'm struggling with second guessing myself lately....overthinking things...on some level its good because it means that I'm nto just reacting on impulse...but at the same time I'm sitting here overthinking things and trying to avoid conflict and so I'm letting it all get too big in my head.  Its frusterating.  All I really want to do is to be content in this life....and there are many things that I am content with...but there are of course many things that I am not content with as well...but if I don't deal with these things I am just going to get more and more unhappy with them rather than having them worked through and fixed.  I feel in my heart that there is no problem that can't be solved in one way or another...but you have to make the effort to solve it.  I've been lacking the courage to do that.    Its like I've hit a bit of a standstill...like I'm afraid on some level to take another step because now is a crucial time...before I was so low that my steps could really only take me forward...but now i've come up enough that there is that real possibility of taking a wrong step...I feel the desparate need to make more steps...but I'm frozen in place... I know that it is God putting that need in me...that its Him giving me that gentle nudge...but frankly I'd almost He rather just shove me in the right direction. It would certainly be easier....but if there's one thing I have learnt its that the right choice is rarely an easy one.  I guess all there really is for me to do right now is to pray for the courage to follow His guidence...

break time

On my break at work...for some reason my knee is just killing me today....so its making the shift awfully hard.  Otherwise things are going really well here...I feel like I'm really getting the hang of things...and I like the job...and I can't get over what a good feeling that is.  Although I will admit that even though I like it I am certainly looking forward to having the next two days off.  I can get some things done at home, get to some appointments....maybe even soak up some sun if I'm lucky....I would really love to get a bit of a tan going.  I'm supposed to get together with schicks sometime tomorrow but I don't know when yet...they were going to let me know...so I guess I'll just call them in the morning...I also see Sharon again tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that....also talked to Pastor John today finally...it was really good...such a nice man. I don't say it enough but I'm so aware these days of how much God has blessed me.  With work, family, friends....everything...He has truly been there and I know that I have him to thank for all of it.  Its funny....the last two days I get the urge to sing the same song every time I get in my car to go somewhere....Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...there's just something about that name....mastor, saviour Jesus...Let the Heavens and earth proclaim....Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away...but there's just something about that name.....

new girl, new world...

I'm writing today with a bit of a heavy heart.  As well as I am doing lately, I find that it is causing me a fair amount of confusion.  I have become such a different person that I am finding myself unsure of things that a short time ago I was very sure of.  I am so happy with who I have become, and know that God has brought me to this place...and I am so grateful to Him for that...I just have a feeling that with this happiness is going to come a certain amount of heartache.  I suppose when you become a different person you develop different needs....or it could simply be that I am aware now of needs that I always had....I don't know which.  There is also the factor that in the past there were always so many problems with my perspective on things that I find myself sometimes questioning how clear my perspective is now, even though I know that it is clearer than it ever has been.  I'm just really asking God to help shed light on things for me. So much of my life is finally on track, including the fact that I enjoy my job and feel like its something I get better at everyday...I am just praying that God continue to help me choose the right paths.

day off...

not having a great day...started out good enough...was having a super lazy day....not productive by any means...but felt so needed.  I like my job, but that first week really wore me out.  I know that I will get used to it...so I'm not worried...but I've been really tired.  In reality I know that I've been avoiding doing anything extra, thinking that I don't want to overwhelm myself...which is true on some level...but its not just fear of being overwhelmed...there's other fears there as well...I'm finding that I'm still struggling with my social anxiety...I seem to be doing fine at work...but I think thats because its different when I'm in work mode...its not so personal...Its harder when I look at a situation where I am on my own...especially one that I have been in before.  Like going to the mix for example...for some reason I find myself so intimidated by that group...There is a part of me that wants to go, because I recognize the necessity to have more relationships in my life...because lets face it, I don't have many....I'm very thankful that the relationships I do have are close ones...but it has been pointed out to me that I need more people in my life...and I know thats true...but it puts so much pressure on me to find new relationships...and I don't exactly thrive under those particular circumstances.  

I think when it comes down to it I've been right in taking my time....and that if I take one step at a time I will be able to handle all of this eventually....

oops!

wow...I really need to make a point of coming on here more...I want to be writing...but its like the thought just doesn't come into my head when I am anywhere near the computer, or don't have time...so I'm glad I happened to think of it just now.  

I had my first real day of work today.  Yesterday was my orientation, just alot of paperwork and some videos to watch...today I was in uniform at the front desk.  of course I felt pretty useless lol....all you can really do the first day is to stand there and smile at people.  Saw some nice guests...saw some difficult guests....overall I'd actually say it went really good.  I wasn't frightened away by the guests or the staff...I wasn't intimidated by the job.  Everything seems pretty straightforward, I think it will just be a matter of getting to know the system and being comfortable with it.  It seems like a job that I can do...and do well in all honesty.  

The only downer is something really superficial and stupid....the uniform is too hot!!!!! I had my hair and makeup done just the way I like it when I left the apartment this morning...by the time I got back it looked like I  had barely made an effort! So somehow I have to figure out a way to stop my hair from doing its weird flippy thing that it does in the humidity, as well as find a way to not sweat all my makeup off! Now I know I haven't always been a person to be terribly concerned about my appearance....but seriously....this was ridiculous...I've been making a conscious effort to look my best every day...and the first time it actually matters (appearance it kind of a big deal in the hotel industry) this happens! ugh. okay....that was enough of a little rant about that. it was just frustrating.  oh....and I guess thats not the only downer....did I mention how much my feet hurt? lol.  I'll get used to it at some point...well at least after I buy better shoes...whenever that may be.

Anyways, I am at home in my comfy clothes...with my feet up....finishing off the veggie tray mom sent up with me...it is definitely time to relax.  I've got an appointment with Sharon (the psychologist) tomorrow afternoon...looking forward to it...I like talking to her.  I saw Richard and Vi the on Saturday (and actually ran into them at church on sunday too) but it was really good to talk to them.  They seemed really happy that I was doing so well.  They thought that the job I found sounded perfect for me.  We prayed that things would continue to go well for me....and for the people I care about...even though things in general are going very well for me...I am finding myself very aware of any little blips in my relationships...and automatically find myself wondering if its because of me and the events of last month...I tend to assume...and I have to force myself to talk about it instead of just assuming...because assuming just tends to make me feel so much guilt...when for all I know it doesn't even have anything to do with what I am thinking....It feels like over and over again I am talking to God and trying to give these feelings up to Him...because I know that I am forgiven...I know that I am not the same person that I was a month ago.  I feel it in everything I do these days, in every conversation I have. Thats why I say that in general things are going very well for me...they are! they really really are...but of course no life is perfect, and so there are issues...I think the biggest difference for me in all of this is that I seem to be able to handle those issues....because I certainly couldn't before.

on the road again.....

ok...tired....but wanted to get in a quick post before going to bed.  Here's the break down....went to swift current via crappy bus ride on wednesday evening, had dr's appointment on thursday (which was great as it resulted in the start of weaning off of another medication!), then went to sgi and paid the fine that has prevented me from renewing my licence for a year, and renewed my plates, so I am a driving girl again which is kind of freeing....I love knowing that I don't have to rely on the bus :)  I drove back to saskatoon today, went for a walk with larissa...and chilled out for the remainder of the evening.  Tomorrow I am meeting with Richard and Vi for the first time since I left their home....I'm really looking forward to it actually...It will be really great to have another session.  and now it is soooo time for bed...I intend to have a wonderful day tomorrow, soaking up as much sun as I can manage.....gonna be a great day for it!