Goodbye 2013

I know I don't write here often...though it would probably be good for me to keep it up. I suppose I'm one of those people who can only write when they feel themselves moved to do so. In my case lately, it seems to mean that I write when I'm thinking about my son. Christmas just ended...I love Christmas. I have always loved Christmas...I'm totally that girl that gets all pumped up for the holidays listening to Christmas music, wears those silly santa hats, even silly little earrings if I can get away with it. I love being that girl. I love that Christmas brings warmth in spite of the cold outside, it brings music into silence...it moves us...or at least it should. I've been blessed to be a part of the Christmas show at Elim church once again...yet another thing to get a person excited for the holidays. Yet in spite of all the merriment...There is a hole in my heart this holiday season...as there has been the last Three Christmases....A hole that used to be filled with the smiling face of my Tristen. I ease my heart with thoughts that he is with people who love him...and that the sorrow I feel is not felt by him. On Christmas Eve people light candles for their loved ones who are not with them this Christmas and I feel my heart tighten as I think about him not being with me...but it frees up again as I realize that a candle does not have to be lit for him...because his light has not gone out...it simply shines somewhere else. I've felt so much conflict in my heart of hearts this Christmas...joy for the holiday, for time spent with my family, for gifts given and recieved...and heartache for the little boy I wish was with me. As this Christmas ends and I look toward the new year, I remind myself that my decision was the right one. I feel pain for the loss of him, but remember the pain that I would have caused him if he stayed. I am a new person, a healthy person...and become moreso everyday because God showed me what I needed to do, and gave me the strength to do it, even if it didn't feel that way at the time. My son is safe and healthy and loved, and in reality, that is the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for. 2013 is coming to a close, and 2014 is fast approaching...my heartache subsides for now...and my journey continues

Miss him.....

My heart hurts today.  Tristen was in Swift Current a few days ago...I don't know how long he was there or when exactly he left...but he was there.   So close and yet so far away...

My heart almost jumps when I hear that he's near...but then it breaks again when I realize it makes no difference.  I can't see him.

It was my choice...and I have to keep reminding myself of that.  I didn't want to be in and out of his life...and I didn't know then that there would ever be a time when I would want to see him....thy sounds horrible...but you have to remember how sick I was.  I was sending him away for his own good...and then I wanted to shut that door.  I wanted it shut so that it wouldnt hurt as much...it didnt work.  

Now I hang on to those few photos I stumble upon by chance...I'll look at them and wonder how much he's changed since it was taken....I'll wonder what he sounds like now...what he laughs like...and what he laughs at for that matter.  I wonder if he's still cuddly...because he used to be so full of hugs.  There were days when his hugs where the only thing that kept me moving.    

He turns 5 in a couple weeks....that's the second birthday he's had away from me...He's been gone over two years already....when his next birthday come around, he'll have been a Rodin longer than he was a Hildebrandt...he'll have been with them longer than he was with me... and little by little, the part I played in his life becomes more of a fraction...How long I wonder, until he forgets me completely? Or has he already?  

Who knows if I'll ever know that answer... All I know is that in 16 days, I will buy a card...and a cupcake...and celebrate my sons 5th birthday...without him.

Miss you Tristen...

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" (Robert Munsch)

Graduation Day...

So Karli Graduated from high school today...weird day for me in all honesty.  I can't believe that 11 years ago today that was me...and Karli was 6.  I see her now and I can't help but be proud of her...but in truth Im jealous too...she is such a stronger person than I was then...or ever have been really.  Because of her strength and drive she's been able to experience things that I was never able to...and she's got big plans...and still has this long life ahead of her where she really has a chance to fulfill them.  Because of my lack of strength, I have missed out on so many things...ive never travelled...I've given up on nearly everything I've set out to do... I'm envious of the life that she has in front of her.  Granted, that part of my life is over and I am making a life for myself now...I am building what I should have began a long time ago...better late than never though. I'm happy with my life now and I'm happy with where it's going.  It's just that I'll never get those 11 years back...I wasted so much time...and I guess it's just more evident to me when I sat in my old high school today and watched my baby sister get her diploma.  But the final thought for the day is simply that my sister graduated..she looked beautiful and happy and I am so happy for her...and I pray that she take hold of this life now and follow her dreams.

Back in blog mode

Well let's see If this blogging phase lasts...I seem to go through stretches of hardcore blogging...and then stretches of not.   Today has been a fairly relaxing day...slept in...then went for a walk in the rain to the mall to do some shopping.  I'm not a big shopping fan...not for myself anyways...always seems like such a hassle.  You're lucky if you find something the right size, and If you do, there is almost always some part of it that is unflattering.  On top of all those sizing issues, they are always stupidly expensive! At least they are for me...maybe i'm just cheap lol.  

I did fine a dress though...so not a dress person...but they are a good summer thing to have...plus Karli's graduation is in less than a week...and it sounds like we're going to get some family pictures.  Plus I want to look nice regardless...she's my sister...it's a special day for her...wouldn't want to show up lookin grubby and embarrass her lol.  

Got to chill out for a while this afternoon...and now I'm getting ready to head out to see "Man of steel" with Josh, so that should be fun.  Josh is a guy I'm sort of seeing...it's still new...not really sure what's happening there yet...time will tell.  Really nice guy though....a nice guy who will be here soon so I had better go.  Guess that's it for now...

Long time no blog...

Well I had just written a very long detailed post about the last 10 months...an accidentally deleted it.  Let's see if I can recreate it shall we?  

It's really a shame That I haven't written...because the last 10 months have consisted of a lot of good in my life. Not only good of course...life is full of ups and downs...but probably the best thing that has happened to me in this last year is that I've truly learned that in order to get through my downs, I have to lean on God. I need to stop trying to stand on my own two feet...and let Him hold me there.    I got myself into a real mess...I basically made one bad choice that wouldn't have been so bad...if I had owned up to that bad choice from the beginning...instead of what I did do...which was hide that choice and make more bad choices to cover it up.  When I finally fessed up (which I did far too late btw) I was able to see things from a different perspective...I really prayed hard about everything and am actually really excited to face the hard times in my life with God...because I know that with Him I can handle anything.  

One huge thing that has made a fantastic difference in my life has been joining the Choir at Elim Church.  I forgot how much I love to sing...and how much I love worship music.  There is so much talent in the choir...so many amazing voices.  The choir puts on a huge Christmas show at the church every year with an orchestra...it was such an incredible experience.  The music was so fantastic, I got choked up at nearly every performance...it was so moving.  I had so much fun, especially since I was asked to sing in the smaller ensemble group, which involved microphones, 'costume' changed, and choreography!  It reminded me of my high school theatre performances...which, of course, were something that I was very passionate about.  

Being a part of the choir has been a really great experience.  My choir director, Pastor Blaine, takes the time to get to know a little about everyone in the choir...I shared with him about Tristen...and the suicide attempt...and he was so understanding and accepted me in spite of my history.  In fact, a few months ago, he contacted me and asked me to audition to sing the lead in a song called 'Beneath the waters' because he thought I would have a strong connection with the lyrics.  He was right.  The song is about rising up and living through Christs forgiveness.   It's about praising God for saving your life...it's an emotional song and I connected to it immediately.  I auditioned and he asked me to lead the song.  At a rehearsal shortly before I was set to sing, he put me on the spot and asked me if I would share some of my story with the choir. He felt like they needed to hear it, so that they could feel the emotion behind the song.  So I told them...a little about Tristen, and about the suicide attempt...but then about how God saved me...and brought me back.  Then he has us sing the song...and told everyone to remember my story when they sang.  Then when the Sunday morning came along, he asked me that morning to share with the congregation...at first I said no...with the excuse that I would start crying and wouldnt be able to sing.  He kept trying to convince me...kept moving the speaking further away from the singing...until I agreed. I was terrified...but I prayed like crazy...and God helped me to make it about Him...not me.  I gave a brief bit about the fact that my life went through a really rough time...severe ups and downs...said that i'd tried ending my life, and that I'd given up a child...no details...but somehow a message came out...a message saying that God can help you, that he wants to help you...you just have to let him.  Then, when I sang my song, there were no nerves...my voice came out strong and confident...and I was just able to worship God...it was an amazing experience.  Pastor Blaine has had me join the worship team for that song a couple times...and has now actually include me on the worship team schedule...It felt so nice to be asked...I just did my first service on worship team...truthfully I was terrified...the rehearsals are fast paced...and we're expected to catch on really fast...which isn't always an easy thing for me....but thankfully there was another alto on this time, so it was so much easier to find my part.  I'm really looking forward to the next time.  

This has really turned into a book...but have one last major thing to say...speaking before I sang led to an interesting chain of events.  After church that day, I was approached by a woman asking if I would be willing to speak at other events...Now, the thing about this is, I am terrified of speaking in front of people. That surprises some people because I was an actress...but that was different...people were seeing my character...hearing the words that went with the story...not seeing me, and hearing my words....that's a very scary thing for me.  I wanted to say no...because I was afraid...but something made me say yes...I realized afterwards that it was God...that he wanted me to tell my story.  Later that day, I got a call from Aglow Saskatoon...wanting me to speak at one of their monthly meetings.  After praying about it, I knew I had to say yes.  I had a couple of months to write my testimony...it was a hard couple of months...I had to re-live all of the hardest times in my life...and there were times when I truly felt like I was under attack...but I did it...I wrote my testimony, my full complete testimony...and shared it with a room full of people...and got come closure that I hadn't been able to grasp yet.  I was able to look at my past, put it in a jar, put a lid on it and stick it on the shelf. It is finished.  My past is my past, I don't hide it...because it formed me into who I am...but it is not going to weigh me down any longer...God is now using it to lift me up.  

 Since then I have been Approached several more times...nothing concrete...just people asking if they can pass my contact information on to people in charge of events...but I'm not afraid anymore...because its not about me...its all for His glory.  Paster Blaine even asked me to share for a couple of minutes at the choirs final concert of the season.  We did a day tour and went to Prince Albert and Shellbrook...and performed the following week at Elim. I spoke...and really felt God with me when I did. 

I really have been so blessed this year...I have a job that I still really like. I'm actually working on getting my journeyman certification.  Things are going really well with me and my family as far as our relationship is concerned...I go to a church that I love...I am trying to make solid frienships...my life is good.  And I am really truly thanking God for that.  

A little collection from the Christmas show.