It's really a shame That I haven't written...because the last 10 months have consisted of a lot of good in my life. Not only good of course...life is full of ups and downs...but probably the best thing that has happened to me in this last year is that I've truly learned that in order to get through my downs, I have to lean on God. I need to stop trying to stand on my own two feet...and let Him hold me there. I got myself into a real mess...I basically made one bad choice that wouldn't have been so bad...if I had owned up to that bad choice from the beginning...instead of what I did do...which was hide that choice and make more bad choices to cover it up. When I finally fessed up (which I did far too late btw) I was able to see things from a different perspective...I really prayed hard about everything and am actually really excited to face the hard times in my life with God...because I know that with Him I can handle anything.
One huge thing that has made a fantastic difference in my life has been joining the Choir at Elim Church. I forgot how much I love to sing...and how much I love worship music. There is so much talent in the choir...so many amazing voices. The choir puts on a huge Christmas show at the church every year with an orchestra...it was such an incredible experience. The music was so fantastic, I got choked up at nearly every performance...it was so moving. I had so much fun, especially since I was asked to sing in the smaller ensemble group, which involved microphones, 'costume' changed, and choreography! It reminded me of my high school theatre performances...which, of course, were something that I was very passionate about.
Being a part of the choir has been a really great experience. My choir director, Pastor Blaine, takes the time to get to know a little about everyone in the choir...I shared with him about Tristen...and the suicide attempt...and he was so understanding and accepted me in spite of my history. In fact, a few months ago, he contacted me and asked me to audition to sing the lead in a song called 'Beneath the waters' because he thought I would have a strong connection with the lyrics. He was right. The song is about rising up and living through Christs forgiveness. It's about praising God for saving your life...it's an emotional song and I connected to it immediately. I auditioned and he asked me to lead the song. At a rehearsal shortly before I was set to sing, he put me on the spot and asked me if I would share some of my story with the choir. He felt like they needed to hear it, so that they could feel the emotion behind the song. So I told them...a little about Tristen, and about the suicide attempt...but then about how God saved me...and brought me back. Then he has us sing the song...and told everyone to remember my story when they sang. Then when the Sunday morning came along, he asked me that morning to share with the congregation...at first I said no...with the excuse that I would start crying and wouldnt be able to sing. He kept trying to convince me...kept moving the speaking further away from the singing...until I agreed. I was terrified...but I prayed like crazy...and God helped me to make it about Him...not me. I gave a brief bit about the fact that my life went through a really rough time...severe ups and downs...said that i'd tried ending my life, and that I'd given up a child...no details...but somehow a message came out...a message saying that God can help you, that he wants to help you...you just have to let him. Then, when I sang my song, there were no nerves...my voice came out strong and confident...and I was just able to worship God...it was an amazing experience. Pastor Blaine has had me join the worship team for that song a couple times...and has now actually include me on the worship team schedule...It felt so nice to be asked...I just did my first service on worship team...truthfully I was terrified...the rehearsals are fast paced...and we're expected to catch on really fast...which isn't always an easy thing for me....but thankfully there was another alto on this time, so it was so much easier to find my part. I'm really looking forward to the next time.
This has really turned into a book...but have one last major thing to say...speaking before I sang led to an interesting chain of events. After church that day, I was approached by a woman asking if I would be willing to speak at other events...Now, the thing about this is, I am terrified of speaking in front of people. That surprises some people because I was an actress...but that was different...people were seeing my character...hearing the words that went with the story...not seeing me, and hearing my words....that's a very scary thing for me. I wanted to say no...because I was afraid...but something made me say yes...I realized afterwards that it was God...that he wanted me to tell my story. Later that day, I got a call from Aglow Saskatoon...wanting me to speak at one of their monthly meetings. After praying about it, I knew I had to say yes. I had a couple of months to write my testimony...it was a hard couple of months...I had to re-live all of the hardest times in my life...and there were times when I truly felt like I was under attack...but I did it...I wrote my testimony, my full complete testimony...and shared it with a room full of people...and got come closure that I hadn't been able to grasp yet. I was able to look at my past, put it in a jar, put a lid on it and stick it on the shelf. It is finished. My past is my past, I don't hide it...because it formed me into who I am...but it is not going to weigh me down any longer...God is now using it to lift me up.
Since then I have been Approached several more times...nothing concrete...just people asking if they can pass my contact information on to people in charge of events...but I'm not afraid anymore...because its not about me...its all for His glory. Paster Blaine even asked me to share for a couple of minutes at the choirs final concert of the season. We did a day tour and went to Prince Albert and Shellbrook...and performed the following week at Elim. I spoke...and really felt God with me when I did.
I really have been so blessed this year...I have a job that I still really like. I'm actually working on getting my journeyman certification. Things are going really well with me and my family as far as our relationship is concerned...I go to a church that I love...I am trying to make solid frienships...my life is good. And I am really truly thanking God for that.
A little collection from the Christmas show.
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