Goodbye 2013

I know I don't write here often...though it would probably be good for me to keep it up. I suppose I'm one of those people who can only write when they feel themselves moved to do so. In my case lately, it seems to mean that I write when I'm thinking about my son. Christmas just ended...I love Christmas. I have always loved Christmas...I'm totally that girl that gets all pumped up for the holidays listening to Christmas music, wears those silly santa hats, even silly little earrings if I can get away with it. I love being that girl. I love that Christmas brings warmth in spite of the cold outside, it brings music into silence...it moves us...or at least it should. I've been blessed to be a part of the Christmas show at Elim church once again...yet another thing to get a person excited for the holidays. Yet in spite of all the merriment...There is a hole in my heart this holiday season...as there has been the last Three Christmases....A hole that used to be filled with the smiling face of my Tristen. I ease my heart with thoughts that he is with people who love him...and that the sorrow I feel is not felt by him. On Christmas Eve people light candles for their loved ones who are not with them this Christmas and I feel my heart tighten as I think about him not being with me...but it frees up again as I realize that a candle does not have to be lit for him...because his light has not gone out...it simply shines somewhere else. I've felt so much conflict in my heart of hearts this Christmas...joy for the holiday, for time spent with my family, for gifts given and recieved...and heartache for the little boy I wish was with me. As this Christmas ends and I look toward the new year, I remind myself that my decision was the right one. I feel pain for the loss of him, but remember the pain that I would have caused him if he stayed. I am a new person, a healthy person...and become moreso everyday because God showed me what I needed to do, and gave me the strength to do it, even if it didn't feel that way at the time. My son is safe and healthy and loved, and in reality, that is the best Christmas gift I could ever ask for. 2013 is coming to a close, and 2014 is fast approaching...my heartache subsides for now...and my journey continues